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2002-10-27
yesterday sucked bad. i was supposed to go to my mum's but i overslept. who knew i could still sleep until 1:20 in the afternoon? i haven't done that in a gazillion years. anyway, so when she called me at 1:20 she was pissed because i was supposed to be there at noon. she accuses me of being a drunk. which i am not because i haven't been drinking in forever. when you dont have any money, you can't buy stuff, that means alcohol too. i did get in late friday night, at 4am, but just because brad, josh and erica and i were chillin at our favorite all night diner. so she calls me everything but a child of god, and i went crazy. mmm hmmm. it all came out. i was bawling. i learned yesterday that no one can quite hurt you like your mother. and i found out why that bitch aunt of mine wrote me that letter. she was mad at me because i wasnt talking to my mum. ok... i walk into my parents' house and everyone on that side of the family is moving shit out, no one notices me, and i find out not only does everyone else know what's going on, except me and my dad. but also that my mum is leaving my dad, divorcing him, and going back to hooterville, in with my granparents. she takes everything but the couch, the cat, and the kitchen table, and im not supposed to feel a wee bit abandoned? im supposed to act hunky-dory right after this has happened? i dont think so. please remember i received that letter one week and 3 days after my mum left. am i supposed to have something pleasant to say to a woman who deceived, abandoned, and hurt me not even 2 weeks after she did it? don't i deserve a little time to let that sink in? and because my aunt is mad, she can write me a horrible, nasty, damaging letter and that's ok? she can be malicious and not have to suffer any consequences? thank god the woman doesn't have a gun. but im glad to know she's not crazy; she's just hateful. but to answer my question. no. not to these people. they don't give a flying fuck what i think. what am i even supposed to do with this? i told her flat out that her family made me feel bad. that i felt awkward and confused when i was around her and my grandparents. i havent even seen the other members, how am i even going to deal with that? she accused me of being selfish because of everything my grandparents did for me. they gave me birthday money and school money and graduation money and money out the ass... but... i can't be bought. i wish i could. it would make my life that much more simple. these people don't believe in divorce, but as soon as i was out of the house, they yanked her out as soon as they could. "i stayed as long as i did for you, betsy. i did." stupid. stupid. stupid. it honestly doesn't take a long time for a kid to figure out their parents are miserable. i was scared of my parents together. they'd blow up at each other and it was scary. i told her i wasnt going to help her move our things into her house. i told her, she moved the shit out of our house, she could move it again. i also told her everyone thought she was a shitheel for not ever visiting me. because i always have to go to her. why do i always have to make the effort? im not the one who screwed up. "god dammit betsy, you know how much i hate driving in indianapolis." "the road runs both ways, mom." she took down directions to my house. i told her not to plan thanksgiving around me, that i had to work thanksgiving day (i don't.) and i didn't know how i'd feel about her and her family by then. i really wish someone could help me. i can't get over this.
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